Following intense media pressure I have reluctantly agreed to present two new Prime Time TV shows.
The format of the first show invites guests to talk over dilemmas, such as whether to marry an abusive alcoholic, or confess to how they went out, got completely shit-faced and woke up pregnant.
I then intervene with my most annoying of voices and offer patronising and obvious advice, which my guests (whose Coffee I have spiked with a strong sedative prior to them coming on stage) greet with slack-jawed subjugation.
To be filled on location in the Bahamas.
More details soon..
On my second show the tables are turned on celebrity interior designers, when they return from their tri-annual holiday to find that I along with past recipients of their hideous home make-overs have redecorated their houses with obnoxiously coloured paint and cheap fabrics.
The opening show has the embittered Dawson family from Crewe install a highly flammable kitchen entirely constructed from laminated shirt collars in Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen's home.
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