Plans to install hundreds of new murder cameras by the sides of the British Roads, has been greeted with furious protests from the Countries lorry drivers.
Under the new scheme, anyone caught on camera committing a roadside murder will be automatically sent a photograph of the incident, together with a summons and a fine. The cameras are intended to speed up processing times for layby homicide, but anti-camera lobbyists insist they are just a way to increase Police revenue and persecute law abiding murderers.
Freight Union boss Bobby Small spoke for many of his members yesterday "WE don't mind the Police putting these things up in the notorious murder black-spots, like where the Patio used to be behind Fred Wests' House, but the new sites seem to have bee deliberately chosen to catch innocent Lorry Drivers as they go about their daily business of rolling dead backpackers up in carpet and throwing them on to the hard shoulder. It's just giving the Police an HGV licence to print money. The truckers may be doing the murders, but its the Police that are making the killing." added Mr Small.
Complaints have also been made that the new cameras have been made deliberately hard to spot - concealed behind trees and roadsigns and painted in drab colours.
"The first thing you know is the Flash of the blasted thing going off," said George Crimpple , a lorry driver who clocks up over a dozen hitchhikers a year. "If they made them a bit more obvious, you could stop murdering when you saw one. The way I see it, its just another way to line the Coppers' pockets, so they can buy Gold handcuffs and whistles, with Rubies instead of peas.
Representatives of the Murdering Associations such as the MA and the RMC have also complained that murder cameras may not be completely reliable, resulting in lorry drivers being fined for killings for which they were not responsible. The scheme received widespread negative publicity last year after a haulier received an automatic penalty for a murder committed on the M25. However, he was later able to successfully prove that at the time of the ofence he was 360 miles away committing a rape in a layby near Leeds.
"I want to know what the Police are doing about the real Villains ," demanded Mr Crimmple. "They should be out looking for people like Dr Octopus , Bluto and Silas Greenback, rather than persecuting hard working truckers who want nothing more than to get to their destinations and dispose of their victims as quickly as possible."
Petrolhead J Clarkson was quick to add "Lorry drivers travell hundreds of miles every day up and down the mororways delivering all sorts of goods, keeping the wheels of industry turning. They are the Life blood of the British economy. Not content with heavy fuel prices, the Government now want to make their job even harder by slapping fines on them each time they murder. I don't know about you, but I think the odd corpse here and there is a small price to pay for our Supermarket shelves being fully stocked."
Police estimate the murder cameras save up to 450 lives a year, as well as reducing the build up of suspiciously lumpy tarpaulins in laybys by up to 35% in areas where they are used.
Monday, 31 August 2009
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
Heavens Above!
The Old fashion Heaven of Angels Harps and fluffy clouds could soon become a thing of the past, if cold eyed new Pope Benedict VI has his way. For the reforming Pontiff has revealed plans for a revamped, bang up to date afterlife, that could see silicon chip technology take its place in the here after.
"Eternities been stuck in the past for too long," the Holy Father told a Vatican press conference.
"Heaven has got to move with the times if its going to appeal to a new generation of immortal souls. On Earth, we live in an age of TV remote controls, DVD's and Tomb Raider. People have a right to expect modern inventions like these when they get to the other side."
The clearly excited Ex Hitler Youth then outlined his 15 year plan for a radical make over of Gods Kingdom.
He told reporters "Anyone who dies after 2024 will see a big difference from the moment they arrive at the pearly gates. For a start, there will be no St Peter to greet them. Entry to the Paradise will be controlled electronically.
"A laser will scan your iris, and compare it with a biometric database of people who have lived good lives. If it finds a match, the gate will slide open automatically, making a noise a little like the doors on Star Trek.
However, if the computer says 'No' you will be sent straight to Hell."
And its all change inside Heaven too. Angels will fly around not upon wings of gossamer, but on James Bond-style vertical take-off jet packs. According to the Pope, "Out will go clouds, ambrosia and Harps, and in will come hover platforms, tiny food pills and Mini Moog synthesizers."
In addition the Pope intends to update the Angels' traditional head-dress, replacing the old fashion Halo, made out of Tinsel and a coat hanger with a space age glow-in-the-dark holographic version.
Benedict is also planning a Heavenly communications revolution that will be bad news for spiritualists like Derek Acorah. He continued "At the moment the technology available for speaking with the dear departed is still in the stone age."
Our present day mediums with their table tapping, ouija boards and ectoplasm will become a thing of the past. In the hereafter of 2024, the souls of the dead will have no need for such unreliable methods of getting in touch.
"They will be equipped with the latest camera mobiles, so they can exchange cryptic text messages and snapshots with their living relatives at the touch of a button. Whats more, each Spirit will have its own E-Mail address with a high speed Broadband connection. Its going to be an exciting time to be dead, I can tell you," he added.
"Eternities been stuck in the past for too long," the Holy Father told a Vatican press conference.
"Heaven has got to move with the times if its going to appeal to a new generation of immortal souls. On Earth, we live in an age of TV remote controls, DVD's and Tomb Raider. People have a right to expect modern inventions like these when they get to the other side."
The clearly excited Ex Hitler Youth then outlined his 15 year plan for a radical make over of Gods Kingdom.
He told reporters "Anyone who dies after 2024 will see a big difference from the moment they arrive at the pearly gates. For a start, there will be no St Peter to greet them. Entry to the Paradise will be controlled electronically.
"A laser will scan your iris, and compare it with a biometric database of people who have lived good lives. If it finds a match, the gate will slide open automatically, making a noise a little like the doors on Star Trek.
However, if the computer says 'No' you will be sent straight to Hell."
And its all change inside Heaven too. Angels will fly around not upon wings of gossamer, but on James Bond-style vertical take-off jet packs. According to the Pope, "Out will go clouds, ambrosia and Harps, and in will come hover platforms, tiny food pills and Mini Moog synthesizers."
In addition the Pope intends to update the Angels' traditional head-dress, replacing the old fashion Halo, made out of Tinsel and a coat hanger with a space age glow-in-the-dark holographic version.
Benedict is also planning a Heavenly communications revolution that will be bad news for spiritualists like Derek Acorah. He continued "At the moment the technology available for speaking with the dear departed is still in the stone age."
Our present day mediums with their table tapping, ouija boards and ectoplasm will become a thing of the past. In the hereafter of 2024, the souls of the dead will have no need for such unreliable methods of getting in touch.
"They will be equipped with the latest camera mobiles, so they can exchange cryptic text messages and snapshots with their living relatives at the touch of a button. Whats more, each Spirit will have its own E-Mail address with a high speed Broadband connection. Its going to be an exciting time to be dead, I can tell you," he added.
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
Victorian Riddlemans Agony Column
MP IS FATHER OF MY CHILD
Dear Victorian Riddleman;
I am in big trouble, and I don't know what to do. I am an 18-year-old Chambermaid, working in a large house in Westminster. My employer an important member of parliament, has been making improper demands on me for several months and I now find I am going to have his baby.
He has told me to get rid of it and threatened me with dismissal if I don't. But I want to keep the child. Please help me, Victorian Riddleman, I am confused. What should I do for the best?
Sally, London.
You must do as your employer says and terminate your confinement. If you do not do this, and you are dismissed, you will undoubtedly end up in bad circumstances. Your baby will be put in the workhouse, get Rickets and eventually freeze to death in the snow, whilst you will be locked up in a lunatic asylum and spend the next forty years picking Oakum. More importantly, the Child's Father will suffer irreparable damage to his reputation.
I am sending you my free leaflet for unmarried pregnant Women, which explains how to drink a bottle of Gin, take a hot bath and throw yourself down the cellar steps.
Dear Victorian Riddleman;
I am in big trouble, and I don't know what to do. I am an 18-year-old Chambermaid, working in a large house in Westminster. My employer an important member of parliament, has been making improper demands on me for several months and I now find I am going to have his baby.
He has told me to get rid of it and threatened me with dismissal if I don't. But I want to keep the child. Please help me, Victorian Riddleman, I am confused. What should I do for the best?
Sally, London.
You must do as your employer says and terminate your confinement. If you do not do this, and you are dismissed, you will undoubtedly end up in bad circumstances. Your baby will be put in the workhouse, get Rickets and eventually freeze to death in the snow, whilst you will be locked up in a lunatic asylum and spend the next forty years picking Oakum. More importantly, the Child's Father will suffer irreparable damage to his reputation.
I am sending you my free leaflet for unmarried pregnant Women, which explains how to drink a bottle of Gin, take a hot bath and throw yourself down the cellar steps.
NO XXX PLEASE ...WE'RE BRITISH
The Government recently announced plans to crack down on extreme pornography. It sounds a simple enough task a first glance, but as usual the legislation could prove to be a minefield of Hot Potatoes. I ask myself, What is the definition of extreme pornography? Erotic images that would make Anne Widdecombe vomit buckets may fail to even provoke the preverbial twitch in Peter Stringfellow's pants. And, assuming we could ever come to an agreement about what is in fact pornography, how would we go about banning it?...
I went on to the Street to find out what the Public think.
"Its all well and good that the Government wants to ban images of Bestiality, but where will it all end? Will they arrest the curator of the National Gallery for displaying Leonardo Da Vinci's painting of the Ancient Greek legend of Leda, in which a nude Woman is seduced by a Swan? Probably not, come to think of it, because you can't see it going in."
Fred Turpentine, Art Dealer.
"I buy a lot of erotic mags and DVD's, so I reckon I've got a pretty good idea of what constitutes extreme porn....Generally speaking, it's anything over about £20.00."
Sid, Van Driver.
"All forms of pornography turns my stomach, but extreme porn does so even more. Any pervert caught looking at this type of material should be dragged into the Town Square, stripped naked and tied to a post. Then members of the general public should be allowed to whip them until their Buttocks and Genitals are a mass of bleeding scars. Their punishment should be videoed and shown in Schools, where their weeping welts would serve as a stern warning to Children of the dangers of looking at such material."
Sally Dailymail, Housewife.
"My Husband used to like me to dress up in sexy underwear like the models in the glossy magazines, which he used to buy each Month. I didn't mind that, but recently he has started traveling to Amsterdam and buying more extreme pornography.These days I often find myself having to dress up as a Pig, a Great Dane or even an Oven Ready Chicken".
Mrs Farthing, Primary School Teacher.
"Surely there's no need to ban it, since one's exposure to this sort of material is self-regulatory. It is an established medical fact that the more extreme the pornography one looks at, the quicker one goes blind or mental".
DR M Bader-Meinhoff,
I went on to the Street to find out what the Public think.
"Its all well and good that the Government wants to ban images of Bestiality, but where will it all end? Will they arrest the curator of the National Gallery for displaying Leonardo Da Vinci's painting of the Ancient Greek legend of Leda, in which a nude Woman is seduced by a Swan? Probably not, come to think of it, because you can't see it going in."
Fred Turpentine, Art Dealer.
"I buy a lot of erotic mags and DVD's, so I reckon I've got a pretty good idea of what constitutes extreme porn....Generally speaking, it's anything over about £20.00."
Sid, Van Driver.
"All forms of pornography turns my stomach, but extreme porn does so even more. Any pervert caught looking at this type of material should be dragged into the Town Square, stripped naked and tied to a post. Then members of the general public should be allowed to whip them until their Buttocks and Genitals are a mass of bleeding scars. Their punishment should be videoed and shown in Schools, where their weeping welts would serve as a stern warning to Children of the dangers of looking at such material."
Sally Dailymail, Housewife.
"My Husband used to like me to dress up in sexy underwear like the models in the glossy magazines, which he used to buy each Month. I didn't mind that, but recently he has started traveling to Amsterdam and buying more extreme pornography.These days I often find myself having to dress up as a Pig, a Great Dane or even an Oven Ready Chicken".
Mrs Farthing, Primary School Teacher.
"Surely there's no need to ban it, since one's exposure to this sort of material is self-regulatory. It is an established medical fact that the more extreme the pornography one looks at, the quicker one goes blind or mental".
DR M Bader-Meinhoff,
A RIGHT ROYAL COCK UP
Thanks to meticulous planning, Royal consummations usually pass off without a hitch, but over the years there has been a few times when its not been 'Alright on the Royal Wedding Night'.
In 1981 it wasn't all plain sailing on Charles and Diana's big night aboard the Royal Yacht Britannia, when the Prince accidentally locked himself in the bathroom. The ceremony was delayed by three minutes while the then Arch Bishop of Canterbury, DR Robert Runcie kicked the door in.
King Henry The Eighth was so disappointed with the size of Anne of Cleve's cleavage, that he was unable to raise Pink Rod. The ceremony had to be postponed.
In his eagerness to consummate his marriage to Queen Victoria, in 1840, Prince Albert rushed the disrobing ceremony and caught the metal bolt fastened through his glans, on his zip. He spent the rest of the night with the Windsor Fire Brigade trying to free his manhood with a hacksaw!
Another of Henry The Eighth's six wedding nights went pear shaped in1536, when during the consummation of his marriage to Anne Boleyn, the hapless queen, who suffered terribly with flatulence, let rip with an almighty thunderous love puff...She was beheaded later that year.
In 1981 it wasn't all plain sailing on Charles and Diana's big night aboard the Royal Yacht Britannia, when the Prince accidentally locked himself in the bathroom. The ceremony was delayed by three minutes while the then Arch Bishop of Canterbury, DR Robert Runcie kicked the door in.
King Henry The Eighth was so disappointed with the size of Anne of Cleve's cleavage, that he was unable to raise Pink Rod. The ceremony had to be postponed.
In his eagerness to consummate his marriage to Queen Victoria, in 1840, Prince Albert rushed the disrobing ceremony and caught the metal bolt fastened through his glans, on his zip. He spent the rest of the night with the Windsor Fire Brigade trying to free his manhood with a hacksaw!
Another of Henry The Eighth's six wedding nights went pear shaped in1536, when during the consummation of his marriage to Anne Boleyn, the hapless queen, who suffered terribly with flatulence, let rip with an almighty thunderous love puff...She was beheaded later that year.
SITUATION VACANT
DOCUMENTARY
Are You
A DAFT SLAPPER
aged 18-20, who fancies a free holiday?
Or a
PISSED BLOKE
aged 18-20, desperate for a shag?
We are an unimaginative TV production company currently auditioning for another so-called documentary about drunken twats, acting up to camera whilst on holiday. If you would be interested in appearing, please send a video of yourself getting drunk, being sick or lying in bed with a headache, to:
Arsehole Productions, 8th Floor, Pisspoor house, 73 Dross Lane London.
Are You
A DAFT SLAPPER
aged 18-20, who fancies a free holiday?
Or a
PISSED BLOKE
aged 18-20, desperate for a shag?
We are an unimaginative TV production company currently auditioning for another so-called documentary about drunken twats, acting up to camera whilst on holiday. If you would be interested in appearing, please send a video of yourself getting drunk, being sick or lying in bed with a headache, to:
Arsehole Productions, 8th Floor, Pisspoor house, 73 Dross Lane London.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)