Heavens Above!

The Old fashion Heaven of Angels Harps and fluffy clouds could soon become a thing of the past, if cold eyed new Pope Benedict VI has his way. For the reforming Pontiff has revealed plans for a revamped, bang up to date afterlife, that could see silicon chip technology take its place in the here after.
"Eternities been stuck in the past for too long," the Holy Father told a Vatican press conference.
"Heaven has got to move with the times if its going to appeal to a new generation of immortal souls. On Earth, we live in an age of TV remote controls, DVD's and Tomb Raider. People have a right to expect modern inventions like these when they get to the other side."

The clearly excited Ex Hitler Youth then outlined his 15 year plan for a radical make over of Gods Kingdom.
He told reporters "Anyone who dies after 2024 will see a big difference from the moment they arrive at the pearly gates. For a start, there will be no St Peter to greet them. Entry to the Paradise will be controlled electronically.
"A laser will scan your iris, and compare it with a biometric database of people who have lived good lives. If it finds a match, the gate will slide open automatically, making a noise a little like the doors on Star Trek.
However, if the computer says 'No' you will be sent straight to Hell."

And its all change inside Heaven too. Angels will fly around not upon wings of gossamer, but on James Bond-style vertical take-off jet packs. According to the Pope, "Out will go clouds, ambrosia and Harps, and in will come hover platforms, tiny food pills and Mini Moog synthesizers."

In addition the Pope intends to update the Angels' traditional head-dress, replacing the old fashion Halo, made out of Tinsel and a coat hanger with a space age glow-in-the-dark holographic version.
Benedict is also planning a Heavenly communications revolution that will be bad news for spiritualists like Derek Acorah. He continued "At the moment the technology available for speaking with the dear departed is still in the stone age."

Our present day mediums with their table tapping, ouija boards and ectoplasm will become a thing of the past. In the hereafter of 2024, the souls of the dead will have no need for such unreliable methods of getting in touch.
"They will be equipped with the latest camera mobiles, so they can exchange cryptic text messages and snapshots with their living relatives at the touch of a button. Whats more, each Spirit will have its own E-Mail address with a high speed Broadband connection. Its going to be an exciting time to be dead, I can tell you," he added.