Experts searching for the Giant Sheep eating cat known as the 'Beast of Bodmin'believe they may have found the missing link in their search for the killer.
Over recent years there have been numerous sightings of 'UCO's'- Unidentified cat-like objects - in the Bodmin area, and Home office officials have launched an official investigation.
Monster pundits believe giant cats released from private Zoo's are now breeding in the wild. But another expert is convinced that alcohol may hold the key to the mystery.
For Professor Riddle believes witnesses who report seeing 'Giant Cats' could simply be ripped to the tits on booze.
Riddle, professor of mysterious things at the university of life, caused a storm in a controversial teacup earlier in the year, when he suggested that everyone who had seen the Loch Ness Monster, was probably shit-faced at the time.
He was also involved in a public row with TV naturalist David Attenborough whom he accused of 'talking out of his arse' after Attenborough suggested a giant form of ape, known as the Yeti, may well exist in the back streets of Glasgow.
Bodmin farmers were quick to scoff at Professor Riddles theory "How do ee explain moi dead sheep then?" one demanded to know.
Controversial Professor Riddle dismissed all farmers as 'Sheep Shaggers' and refused to comment any further.
Tuesday 19 October 2010
Saturday 25 September 2010
Timeless Masterpieces for the Discerning fornicator
Combine the joy of reading your collection of 'Ahem!' magazines, with the pride of owning them in the most luxurious editions.
We all like to surround ourselves with beautiful and elegant things..Champagne, Antique oil paintings and wafer thin chocolates all stand as a testimony to our good taste and discernment.But, are you let down by your stash of 'Cough!' magazines?
Riddle Print Co, are proud to offer you the chance to own a pornographic library that would not be out of place in any Politicians home.
You only have to hold these volumes in your left hand to appreciate the artistry that goes into the creation of each one. From the supple leather spine, lavishly decorated in 24 carrat gold leaf, to the paper, specially milled at Riddle Towers to reduce porn glare, you'll experience the joy of gently leafing through this classic 'Ahem!' collection.
Please accept the first edition 'Bouncy' for the introductory offer price of £9.99 (normal price £49.99), and we at Riddle Print Co. will send you a classic title each week for your approval. Should you not be happy with any volume, simply return it to us and wait for the next edition to arrive...'Bouncy' is yours to 'Cough!' over whatever you decide.
We all like to surround ourselves with beautiful and elegant things..Champagne, Antique oil paintings and wafer thin chocolates all stand as a testimony to our good taste and discernment.But, are you let down by your stash of 'Cough!' magazines?
Riddle Print Co, are proud to offer you the chance to own a pornographic library that would not be out of place in any Politicians home.
You only have to hold these volumes in your left hand to appreciate the artistry that goes into the creation of each one. From the supple leather spine, lavishly decorated in 24 carrat gold leaf, to the paper, specially milled at Riddle Towers to reduce porn glare, you'll experience the joy of gently leafing through this classic 'Ahem!' collection.
Please accept the first edition 'Bouncy' for the introductory offer price of £9.99 (normal price £49.99), and we at Riddle Print Co. will send you a classic title each week for your approval. Should you not be happy with any volume, simply return it to us and wait for the next edition to arrive...'Bouncy' is yours to 'Cough!' over whatever you decide.
Monday 20 September 2010
Dear Dr Rowan C of E
Dear Dr Rowan
I am a nun in a closed order and married to our Saviour Lord Jesus Christ, but have recently embarked on an affair with another deity.
I am 28 years old, my husband is 2010, and we have been married for nearly 12 years. At first our marriage was great. I prayed for my husband and his Father five times a day, and I was filled with the sure and certain hope of the resurrection.
A few weeks ago however, I was in the convent Television room watching a documentary on Poseidon, Greek God of the Sea. He was being drawn across the sea in a chariot, by brazen hoofed horses, attended by triton's and nymphs. I am ashamed to say that he looked good with no shirt on holding his trident firmly in his hand. At prayer later that day, I found myself thinking about Poseidon instead of Jesus.
Now I cant get him out of my head and am praying to him up to 10 times a day. My husband is omniscient, so he is bound to find out sooner or later, and mighty shall be his wrath.
I still care for Jesus, but cant help my feelings for Poseidon. I feel so guilty and confused. What can I do?
SISTER X
Dear Sister X.
The flames of Satan's inferno are stoked with Souls such as yours..Those people who have worshiped graven images and supernatural deities. Pray to Jesus bedtime and confess your affair with this Greek .
Jesus will forgive you as he is infinitely merciful. You can then draw a line under this whole episode and get back to working on your marriage.
I am a nun in a closed order and married to our Saviour Lord Jesus Christ, but have recently embarked on an affair with another deity.
I am 28 years old, my husband is 2010, and we have been married for nearly 12 years. At first our marriage was great. I prayed for my husband and his Father five times a day, and I was filled with the sure and certain hope of the resurrection.
A few weeks ago however, I was in the convent Television room watching a documentary on Poseidon, Greek God of the Sea. He was being drawn across the sea in a chariot, by brazen hoofed horses, attended by triton's and nymphs. I am ashamed to say that he looked good with no shirt on holding his trident firmly in his hand. At prayer later that day, I found myself thinking about Poseidon instead of Jesus.
Now I cant get him out of my head and am praying to him up to 10 times a day. My husband is omniscient, so he is bound to find out sooner or later, and mighty shall be his wrath.
I still care for Jesus, but cant help my feelings for Poseidon. I feel so guilty and confused. What can I do?
SISTER X
Dear Sister X.
The flames of Satan's inferno are stoked with Souls such as yours..Those people who have worshiped graven images and supernatural deities. Pray to Jesus bedtime and confess your affair with this Greek .
Jesus will forgive you as he is infinitely merciful. You can then draw a line under this whole episode and get back to working on your marriage.
Wednesday 28 July 2010
HOW AMERICAN ARE YOU?
I say Potato, they say Potato..They call a slapper a Tramp, a Tramp a Bum, a Bum a Fanny, and a Fanny a Puh-Seh..
In 1946ish..US War Hero, John Shirley Wayne, said that Britain and America were two Countries separated by a common language...I think that this may have been true then, but is it still true today?..
With our Star spangled diet of McDonalds food, Coke-on-Rye and the Disney Channel we have become the 51st State of the Union, and with it, Comrade Obama's personal whipping boys..
I for one am getting off my Hoss, drinking my Milk and shouting 'I may be a Dandy Riddle, but I'm No Yankee doodle Dandy Riddle'..
Try my little test and decide Just how American YOU are.
You decide your relationship with your Partner is over, How would you break the News?..
1. Leave a tearful note on the Kitchen table and slip away into the night?
2. Sit down with your partner and calmly discuss the reasons for your decision?
3. Attack him/her with a Chair in front of a rabble of jeering, pumped up trailer trash vermins, on National Television?
You are Visiting Egypt, and are concerned over the recent Terrorist Attacks on Foreign Nationals..What do you wear to remain Inconspicuous?
1. A tee-shirt and a Pair of Jeans?
2. A Demis Rousoss tent Dress, fez, a false beard and Sun-glasses.?
3. A high rise Baseball cap, trainers with knee length socks, a horrendous flowery shirt, 1932 Football Association shorts and 8 cameras around your neck?
Where are you most likely to find your local bobby?
1. Outside his little Police house in the Village mending a puncture on his bicycle?
2. Asleep in his Patrol car on a Motorway Flyover?
3. On his Yacht, wearing a Pastel suit with the sleeves rolled up chewing on a fat cigar, feeding his pet Crocodile?
You are Driving along a Country road one day when you accidentally run over a baby rabbit. What do you do?
1. Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it's still alive?
2. Carry on driving, but hope that it is still alive, or if not that it died quickly.?
3. Strap it across the bonnet of your Mondeo and drive home hollering and whooping at the top of your voice, throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window?
Mostly answer No 1?...You are in no way Americanised..You probably still spell colour with the 'u' and call your trousers 'Trousers'...Well done!
Mostly answer No 2?...Hmmm!..Your halfway there ... Why not put a little white fence around your Garden and ask the postman to put your letters in a bread bin on a stick!
Mostly answer No 3?...Well Sassafras-on-Rye.. You were born on the Fourth of July and you've got Mom's apple pie and Napalm coming out of the Buns of your Ass...Take the Fifth and have a nice Fuc#ing day Buddy!
In 1946ish..US War Hero, John Shirley Wayne, said that Britain and America were two Countries separated by a common language...I think that this may have been true then, but is it still true today?..
With our Star spangled diet of McDonalds food, Coke-on-Rye and the Disney Channel we have become the 51st State of the Union, and with it, Comrade Obama's personal whipping boys..
I for one am getting off my Hoss, drinking my Milk and shouting 'I may be a Dandy Riddle, but I'm No Yankee doodle Dandy Riddle'..
Try my little test and decide Just how American YOU are.
You decide your relationship with your Partner is over, How would you break the News?..
1. Leave a tearful note on the Kitchen table and slip away into the night?
2. Sit down with your partner and calmly discuss the reasons for your decision?
3. Attack him/her with a Chair in front of a rabble of jeering, pumped up trailer trash vermins, on National Television?
You are Visiting Egypt, and are concerned over the recent Terrorist Attacks on Foreign Nationals..What do you wear to remain Inconspicuous?
1. A tee-shirt and a Pair of Jeans?
2. A Demis Rousoss tent Dress, fez, a false beard and Sun-glasses.?
3. A high rise Baseball cap, trainers with knee length socks, a horrendous flowery shirt, 1932 Football Association shorts and 8 cameras around your neck?
Where are you most likely to find your local bobby?
1. Outside his little Police house in the Village mending a puncture on his bicycle?
2. Asleep in his Patrol car on a Motorway Flyover?
3. On his Yacht, wearing a Pastel suit with the sleeves rolled up chewing on a fat cigar, feeding his pet Crocodile?
You are Driving along a Country road one day when you accidentally run over a baby rabbit. What do you do?
1. Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it's still alive?
2. Carry on driving, but hope that it is still alive, or if not that it died quickly.?
3. Strap it across the bonnet of your Mondeo and drive home hollering and whooping at the top of your voice, throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window?
Mostly answer No 1?...You are in no way Americanised..You probably still spell colour with the 'u' and call your trousers 'Trousers'...Well done!
Mostly answer No 2?...Hmmm!..Your halfway there ... Why not put a little white fence around your Garden and ask the postman to put your letters in a bread bin on a stick!
Mostly answer No 3?...Well Sassafras-on-Rye.. You were born on the Fourth of July and you've got Mom's apple pie and Napalm coming out of the Buns of your Ass...Take the Fifth and have a nice Fuc#ing day Buddy!
Wednesday 26 May 2010
RIDDLES RUBBISH
I would like to introduce you lucky lot to My latest line in defective goods as advertised on QVC...
1. The Twat Hat!..Yes look like a double twat in my 2 in 1 TWAT HAT!
Why waste money on two separate shite hats, when you can achieve the same effect with my stunning all-in-one unit.
BALACLAVA MODE.. Just Oozes that 'Special Needs' quality, complete with protruding visor section adding that extra touch of daftness.
DROOPY SIDE EAR WARMER MODE.. Say no more.
2. My Rodent Skinned Uppers Loafers!..These are the cheapest pair of loafers you will ever see in your life!..They are incredibly light too, and do you know why they are so light..Neither do I..
Although it could be something to do with the fact that I only use incredibly cheap materials. Thats also why they may look a little weird until you get used to them. We just couldn't seem to bend them into the right shape..The soles are really smart though, very trendy..Just try not to walk around too much though, as they're prone to exploding..But don't let that put you off ..Just look at the price...LOOK AT THE DAMN PRICE!
3. Let the nightmare begin with my HUNGRY TIMBER WOLVES BED SPREAD.
Ever fancied Lying flat on your back with a pack of hungry wolves on top of you?..Well fancy no more...Its every young childs worst dream... and now you can bring their nightmares vividly to life with my Timber Wolf bedspread and matching pillow case set..Your kids wont be wetting their beds anymore...They'll be too busy shitting!
1. The Twat Hat!..Yes look like a double twat in my 2 in 1 TWAT HAT!
Why waste money on two separate shite hats, when you can achieve the same effect with my stunning all-in-one unit.
BALACLAVA MODE.. Just Oozes that 'Special Needs' quality, complete with protruding visor section adding that extra touch of daftness.
DROOPY SIDE EAR WARMER MODE.. Say no more.
2. My Rodent Skinned Uppers Loafers!..These are the cheapest pair of loafers you will ever see in your life!..They are incredibly light too, and do you know why they are so light..Neither do I..
Although it could be something to do with the fact that I only use incredibly cheap materials. Thats also why they may look a little weird until you get used to them. We just couldn't seem to bend them into the right shape..The soles are really smart though, very trendy..Just try not to walk around too much though, as they're prone to exploding..But don't let that put you off ..Just look at the price...LOOK AT THE DAMN PRICE!
3. Let the nightmare begin with my HUNGRY TIMBER WOLVES BED SPREAD.
Ever fancied Lying flat on your back with a pack of hungry wolves on top of you?..Well fancy no more...Its every young childs worst dream... and now you can bring their nightmares vividly to life with my Timber Wolf bedspread and matching pillow case set..Your kids wont be wetting their beds anymore...They'll be too busy shitting!
VOTE RIDDLEMAN
YES..A VOTE FOR RIDDLEMAN MEANS:
10 SECONDS ADDED TO EVERY MINUTE. THATS AN EXTRA 4 FREE HOURS FOR EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE!
50p OFF FAGS!
MAINLAND BRITAIN TO BE RE-LOCATED NEAR THE BAHAMAS!
KENT TO BE DEMOLISHED AND REPLACED BY THE WORLDS LARGEST DRIVE THROUGH BROTHEL!
THE CONFISCATION OF RICHARD BRANSONS DRIVING LICENCE, FORCING HIM TO TRAVEL ON HIS OWN SHIT TRANSPORT!
SIMON COWELL TO BE BOOTED UP THE ARSE 14 TIMES A DAY ON NATIONAL TV!
OH, AND A FREE PEN!
10 SECONDS ADDED TO EVERY MINUTE. THATS AN EXTRA 4 FREE HOURS FOR EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE!
50p OFF FAGS!
MAINLAND BRITAIN TO BE RE-LOCATED NEAR THE BAHAMAS!
KENT TO BE DEMOLISHED AND REPLACED BY THE WORLDS LARGEST DRIVE THROUGH BROTHEL!
THE CONFISCATION OF RICHARD BRANSONS DRIVING LICENCE, FORCING HIM TO TRAVEL ON HIS OWN SHIT TRANSPORT!
SIMON COWELL TO BE BOOTED UP THE ARSE 14 TIMES A DAY ON NATIONAL TV!
OH, AND A FREE PEN!
ARE YOU NEAR THE END?
"Its so nice to know that you won't end up being buried by the Council. On a Land-fill site..In a bin liner.
Now is the time to make sure that your Earthly remains aren't dealt with as over-sized roadkill by the relevant authorities.
The Riddle-Life Guaranteed over 50 Scheme is a special low cost insurance scheme for the soon to pop their cloggs, designed to help them get planted like civilised Human beings.
"In a proper hole too, all to your lonesome. Not a bull dozed in to a large pit dug out by a cretin on a JCB, just one of a great knobbly mound of tangled bodies. I cant end up like that, with soil in my Golden hair"
NO MEDICAL REQUIRED - so it doesn't matter if your about to die at any second!
No medical is required because, to be honest, the contracts are all loaded so comfortably in our favour that if you peg out too early for us to show a tidy profit, your bereaved relatives get next to fuck all..We win, obviously, but you think you win, which is a vital aspect of the service we provide.
"We think we win, but don't" Says happy but daft bereaved relative, Gladys Smith of Dorset.
Gladys doesn't like the thought of council necrophiliacs having access to her unprotected openings..DO YOU?...Please consider the plan..
DON'T FORGET, MANY NECROPHILIACS WORK FOR THE COUNCIL.
Stay alive for ten years and youll get enough for a plot; another decade and a hearse becomes affordable; make it through thirty and you get the works - tombstone, wreath and a big pile of tuna sandwiches...Oh yes and the clock, the free bloody clock...Lets not forget the very expensive looking bloody clock.
"The Clock is nice and I stare at it as I comb my lovely matted hair" says Gladys of Dorset.
We'll even send you the clock early, which looks costly but is worth only a few pence, so you can watch your final seconds tick away...
Now is the time to make sure that your Earthly remains aren't dealt with as over-sized roadkill by the relevant authorities.
The Riddle-Life Guaranteed over 50 Scheme is a special low cost insurance scheme for the soon to pop their cloggs, designed to help them get planted like civilised Human beings.
"In a proper hole too, all to your lonesome. Not a bull dozed in to a large pit dug out by a cretin on a JCB, just one of a great knobbly mound of tangled bodies. I cant end up like that, with soil in my Golden hair"
NO MEDICAL REQUIRED - so it doesn't matter if your about to die at any second!
No medical is required because, to be honest, the contracts are all loaded so comfortably in our favour that if you peg out too early for us to show a tidy profit, your bereaved relatives get next to fuck all..We win, obviously, but you think you win, which is a vital aspect of the service we provide.
"We think we win, but don't" Says happy but daft bereaved relative, Gladys Smith of Dorset.
Gladys doesn't like the thought of council necrophiliacs having access to her unprotected openings..DO YOU?...Please consider the plan..
DON'T FORGET, MANY NECROPHILIACS WORK FOR THE COUNCIL.
Stay alive for ten years and youll get enough for a plot; another decade and a hearse becomes affordable; make it through thirty and you get the works - tombstone, wreath and a big pile of tuna sandwiches...Oh yes and the clock, the free bloody clock...Lets not forget the very expensive looking bloody clock.
"The Clock is nice and I stare at it as I comb my lovely matted hair" says Gladys of Dorset.
We'll even send you the clock early, which looks costly but is worth only a few pence, so you can watch your final seconds tick away...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)