M1 For Murder

Plans to install hundreds of new murder cameras by the sides of the British Roads, has been greeted with furious protests from the Countries lorry drivers.

Under the new scheme, anyone caught on camera committing a roadside murder will be automatically sent a photograph of the incident, together with a summons and a fine. The cameras are intended to speed up processing times for layby homicide, but anti-camera lobbyists insist they are just a way to increase Police revenue and persecute law abiding murderers.

Freight Union boss Bobby Small spoke for many of his members yesterday "WE don't mind the Police putting these things up in the notorious murder black-spots, like where the Patio used to be behind Fred Wests' House, but the new sites seem to have bee deliberately chosen to catch innocent Lorry Drivers as they go about their daily business of rolling dead backpackers up in carpet and throwing them on to the hard shoulder. It's just giving the Police an HGV licence to print money. The truckers may be doing the murders, but its the Police that are making the killing." added Mr Small.

Complaints have also been made that the new cameras have been made deliberately hard to spot - concealed behind trees and roadsigns and painted in drab colours.
"The first thing you know is the Flash of the blasted thing going off," said George Crimpple , a lorry driver who clocks up over a dozen hitchhikers a year. "If they made them a bit more obvious, you could stop murdering when you saw one. The way I see it, its just another way to line the Coppers' pockets, so they can buy Gold handcuffs and whistles, with Rubies instead of peas.

Representatives of the Murdering Associations such as the MA and the RMC have also complained that murder cameras may not be completely reliable, resulting in lorry drivers being fined for killings for which they were not responsible. The scheme received widespread negative publicity last year after a haulier received an automatic penalty for a murder committed on the M25. However, he was later able to successfully prove that at the time of the ofence he was 360 miles away committing a rape in a layby near Leeds.

"I want to know what the Police are doing about the real Villains ," demanded Mr Crimmple. "They should be out looking for people like Dr Octopus , Bluto and Silas Greenback, rather than persecuting hard working truckers who want nothing more than to get to their destinations and dispose of their victims as quickly as possible."

Petrolhead J Clarkson was quick to add "Lorry drivers travell hundreds of miles every day up and down the mororways delivering all sorts of goods, keeping the wheels of industry turning. They are the Life blood of the British economy. Not content with heavy fuel prices, the Government now want to make their job even harder by slapping fines on them each time they murder. I don't know about you, but I think the odd corpse here and there is a small price to pay for our Supermarket shelves being fully stocked."

Police estimate the murder cameras save up to 450 lives a year, as well as reducing the build up of suspiciously lumpy tarpaulins in laybys by up to 35% in areas where they are used.