BRITAIN'S DRINKING CULTURE

No one knows exactly when Special Brew was discovered, but archaeologists believe that its miraculous qualities were well known to man well over 4 million years ago. Primitive paintings found in caves in Denmark suggest that Bronze age artists were regularly ripped to their hairy tits on Special Brew.

The Ancient Egyptians worshiped Special Brew, believing it to have supernatural properties. When Howard Carter broke into the Tombs of Ahmenhotep 111, and ransacked his sarcophagus, he found the boy king, buried along with all his possessions. Amongst them were half an ounce of baccy, some rolling papers, and four mummified tins of Special Brew to keep him incoherent and aggressive in the afterlife.

The Romans identified Special Brew's property for starting fights and put it to good use in the Colosseum. Gladiators would be plied with 'Spesh' before a battle to ensure they put on a good show for the blood thirsty crowd. After a fight the surviving Gladiators would sacrifice a goat to 'Trampicus', the Roman God of unusual mental states.

British history would have taken a very different course had it not been for Special Brew. On November 5th 1066, Guy Fawkes and his fellow conspirators, crept into the cellars of the Houses of Parliament, intending to blow up King James 1st with some fireworks. However they discovered a crate of Special Brew and stopped for refreshment. After four tins each, they decided that the King was actually a smashing bloke, and their best mate, and the plot was off.

The Lady of the Lamp, Florence Nightingale, saved countless lives during the Crimean War. As a token of his gratitude, the Prime Minister, Mr Gladstone awarded her a lifetime supply of 'Spesh' and granted her the keys to Hyde Park, so that she could have a well deserved sit down. Over the next 50 years, she became a well known figure, entertaining Children with her colourful language, explicit gestures and frequent bouts of vomiting.

And so to the present day, where this remarkable drink, with its unequalled capacity to make your head go funny is still enjoyed by everyone. From her Majesty the Queen, right down to the lowest Tramp, all agree there is only one way to start the day. Thats by shotgunning a couple of tins of Special Brew...The drink that has truly made Britain what it is Today.