Radical New Proposal

Currently people on the sex offenders register are either kept in prison where they can be safely killed by fellow inmates or released into the community to have dog excrement pushed through their letterbox and their houses burnt down while they are battered by cab-drivers. But fears about the safety and effectiveness of these two options have led Government boffins to seek new ways of dealing with the problem.

"Nobody wants these people living next door," consultant criminologist Dr Timothy Toothpick told me. "It makes people antsy and cross. But we have to deal with these undesirables somehow, they are nuclear waste. We want to hide them away and forget about them, but no-one wants them disposed of in their backyard. That's why we decided to goto the experts, BNFL."

British Nuclear Fuels Ltd say that the commission from the Home Office came as a surprise, but they are convinced they can rise to the challenge.
"We have years of experience in handling dangerous things the public would rather pretend didn't exist. Its just a matter of switching from radioactive fissile and waste material, to men with milk bottle glasses who live with their Mothers."

BNFL estimate that they will be able to transport up to four thousand gallons of nonces a day by rail in secure containers direct from the courtroom to processing stations on the World's coast, where they will be pumped into the sea.

But residents of Town's along the rail route are furious about the proposals.
"What happens if the driver of the train gets some egg sandwich in his eye and drives the engine into a signal box?" complained campaigner Cramphorn Campayne at a champagne reception to launch the residents protest.

"If that happens, the train will roll over and spill dangerous sex-pests all over the embankment. Anyone playing near the railway will be at risk from having their bottom touched or being invited to see puppies."
Accidents do happen.