I have bee investigating the eating habits of the Great British monarchy.
King Terrence the Second, insisted that all of his meats be cooked very well done. When once, quite by accident, an incompetent butler served him with an uncooked slumbering Ferret, the Monarch went absolutely berserk. He stabbed Sidney Boggle, the then Arch Bishop of Fife, in the thigh with a rusty prong on his toasting fork. The poor Bishop died of blood poisoning, as did the King, but a few years later, and in a different way.
During the 13th Century, King Greg VIIXCII the Third, became convinced that many of his sworn enemies, were planning to poison his food. In a blind panic he hired fifty seven food tasters, then insisted that all of his meals be sampled by each of them in turn before he would touch a single morsel. Three weeks later he died of starvation.
In 1046 King Bod IV became Britain's first Vegetarian Monarch.
After his mother, Queen Bod III, choked on a Hog, the young boy King promptly banned the consumption of all meat based products throughout his Kingdom. This led to an unprecedented explosion in the live stock population.
Culminating in the great Cattle revolt of 1048, when a herd of hungry Frisians stormed the gates of Buckingham Palace and ate all the Royal grass.
Thursday, 8 October 2009
Wednesday, 7 October 2009
WINDFALL OF ADDICTION
One in five youngsters in Britain today are hopelessly addicted to conkers, while a further 25% admit to regular nut dabbles.
Once an innocent pastime, the nut of the horse chestnut tree has recently gained itself a sinister reputation.
The abuse unraveled in the early 90's among doomed rural illiterates who, unable to afford good drugs and trapped in areas of such poverty that nothing was worth nicking, took to cooking and injecting whatever they could lay their grubby mitts on.
After trying everything from nettles to Badger shit it was finally found that the hard brown shell of the conker, grated, braised and jabbed created an effect described by users as: "A lot like being trapped in a cheap cartoon that's also a spin dryer running out of control."
Word flew quickly around the playgrounds of Britain and now,15 years later, the grim spectre of conkers are threatening to spiral straight off the cliff. One worried teacher, a spectacled, beard wielding freak who bears a disturbing resemblance to my old maths teacher, and what an arse he was, thinks the situation is already scuppered.
"Every day I cross the playground, picking on children I hate, it's the same old song. Dozens of youths openly jittering on the floor with needles hanging out of their arms, inner-thighs, buttocks and cheeks anywhere thats still soft basically."
One of he drawbacks to a conker high is it's fairly short duration. About twenty conkers, cut, will give the user a mild rush lasting between twenty and thirty seconds. To maintain the high, addicts will often inject four or five hundred times a day. Their poor bodies end up like Turtles.
"It's so frustrating! None of the conker junkies hand their homework in on time, which makes me look a twat. They should be expelled - but our hands are tied so long as the Government refuses to make conkers illegal."
I asked my local MP why, in the face of this damning survey, they still allow conkers to be grown and knocked down with sticks and rocks around the Country.
"Because your survey is a pack of lies. Conkers aren't drugs, and no children are addicted to them. In fact, its rubbish like this that makes it hard for us to address the real problem of real drugs, namely, the fact that loads of people use and enjoy them without ever going off the rails. That is the real evil at work. Innocent, recreational usage, we are sick and tired of people experiencing any form of pleasure in the comfort of their own home, if I had my way you'd all be lobotomized..." he continued ranting as colleagues dragged him away.
Meanwhile Sir Cliff Richard is thought to be crusading against the threat with an anticipated Christmas song, using rap language to 'reach' the kids!
Once an innocent pastime, the nut of the horse chestnut tree has recently gained itself a sinister reputation.
The abuse unraveled in the early 90's among doomed rural illiterates who, unable to afford good drugs and trapped in areas of such poverty that nothing was worth nicking, took to cooking and injecting whatever they could lay their grubby mitts on.
After trying everything from nettles to Badger shit it was finally found that the hard brown shell of the conker, grated, braised and jabbed created an effect described by users as: "A lot like being trapped in a cheap cartoon that's also a spin dryer running out of control."
Word flew quickly around the playgrounds of Britain and now,15 years later, the grim spectre of conkers are threatening to spiral straight off the cliff. One worried teacher, a spectacled, beard wielding freak who bears a disturbing resemblance to my old maths teacher, and what an arse he was, thinks the situation is already scuppered.
"Every day I cross the playground, picking on children I hate, it's the same old song. Dozens of youths openly jittering on the floor with needles hanging out of their arms, inner-thighs, buttocks and cheeks anywhere thats still soft basically."
One of he drawbacks to a conker high is it's fairly short duration. About twenty conkers, cut, will give the user a mild rush lasting between twenty and thirty seconds. To maintain the high, addicts will often inject four or five hundred times a day. Their poor bodies end up like Turtles.
"It's so frustrating! None of the conker junkies hand their homework in on time, which makes me look a twat. They should be expelled - but our hands are tied so long as the Government refuses to make conkers illegal."
I asked my local MP why, in the face of this damning survey, they still allow conkers to be grown and knocked down with sticks and rocks around the Country.
"Because your survey is a pack of lies. Conkers aren't drugs, and no children are addicted to them. In fact, its rubbish like this that makes it hard for us to address the real problem of real drugs, namely, the fact that loads of people use and enjoy them without ever going off the rails. That is the real evil at work. Innocent, recreational usage, we are sick and tired of people experiencing any form of pleasure in the comfort of their own home, if I had my way you'd all be lobotomized..." he continued ranting as colleagues dragged him away.
Meanwhile Sir Cliff Richard is thought to be crusading against the threat with an anticipated Christmas song, using rap language to 'reach' the kids!
Tuesday, 15 September 2009
NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE-OR IS THERE?
The bureaucratic imbeciles from Brussels have been at it again.
I have learned that plans are afoot for widespread changes to the British Proverb system, in an attempt to bring us in line with the rest of Europe.
My sources confirm that from January 2010 'A stitch in time' will no longer 'Save you nine' in fact, it could save you as little as 'Six' depending on the exchange rate at the time. Also, instead of 'silver', every cloud will have to make do with a 'stainless steel lining' and a 'Bird in the hand' will be practically worthless.
On the plus side we will be allowed a 'Small amount of smoke without fire' and you'll be able to teach an old dog up to three new tricks.
Euro MP Jean Foreigner told me, "Were merely trying to iron out a few anomalies in the system. Take France for instance. Unlike the British they require at least 'four apples a day to keep the Doctor away' Surely a benchmark figure of two apples throughout the European union is a much fairer system."
Not all proverbs will be affected however. 'One mans meat' will continue to be 'another mans poison', and the public will still be advised to look before they leap.
I have learned that plans are afoot for widespread changes to the British Proverb system, in an attempt to bring us in line with the rest of Europe.
My sources confirm that from January 2010 'A stitch in time' will no longer 'Save you nine' in fact, it could save you as little as 'Six' depending on the exchange rate at the time. Also, instead of 'silver', every cloud will have to make do with a 'stainless steel lining' and a 'Bird in the hand' will be practically worthless.
On the plus side we will be allowed a 'Small amount of smoke without fire' and you'll be able to teach an old dog up to three new tricks.
Euro MP Jean Foreigner told me, "Were merely trying to iron out a few anomalies in the system. Take France for instance. Unlike the British they require at least 'four apples a day to keep the Doctor away' Surely a benchmark figure of two apples throughout the European union is a much fairer system."
Not all proverbs will be affected however. 'One mans meat' will continue to be 'another mans poison', and the public will still be advised to look before they leap.
INCREDIBLE BUT TRUE
A 500lb Woman from Illinois was examined in Hospital. During the examination, an Asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under on of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva!
A drunk staggered in to a hospital in Pennsylvania, complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said they would come out half way, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea!
A World war 2 veteran came into a London Clinic with a haemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the poor mans anus, and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an old artillery shell. On this occasion the shell had got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell was still live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead box around the mans anus to diffuse the shell before it could be removed.
A 20 year old man came into casualty with a stoney mass in his rectum.
He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with a concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the concrete mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete mix had then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the mans rectum was removed, along with a stray ping pong ball!
A drunk staggered in to a hospital in Pennsylvania, complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said they would come out half way, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea!
A World war 2 veteran came into a London Clinic with a haemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the poor mans anus, and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an old artillery shell. On this occasion the shell had got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell was still live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead box around the mans anus to diffuse the shell before it could be removed.
A 20 year old man came into casualty with a stoney mass in his rectum.
He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with a concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the concrete mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete mix had then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the mans rectum was removed, along with a stray ping pong ball!
Wednesday, 9 September 2009
DR ROWAN WILLIAMS WILL C of E YOU NOW
Dear Doctor
On a recent trip to Ghana, I contracted Necrotising Ebola. It is a particularly aggressive infection, and is working its way up my leg. The Doctors say they can stop it with powerful antibiotics, but I believe that using medicines is interfering with Gods will, and I have decided to pray instead. How should I do it?
Conrad Trellis, Raith
Dr Williams replies
I agree that medicines are interfering with the Lords plan. If he had wanted us to use antibiotics, he would have made them grow on trees to be picked like apples. I recommend that you pray thee times a day after meals. But you must do it properly with your eyes shut. If you dont get any better in a few days, you may need to try more powerful prayor and shut your eyes even tighter.
Dear Doctor
I am a 56 year old, and have been diagnosed with prostate cancer, despite having been a chaste Church goer all my life. I read a recent report which stated that this cancer was less prevalent in men who masturbate regularly from an early age. It seems rather unfair that God should put people such as Cliff Richard and the Pope himself at risk, whilst the likes of Peter Stringfellow and Martin Clunes are rewarded with some measure of protection from this disease.
Harold Steptoe, Pately Bridge
DR Williams Replies
Yes, on the face of it, it may seem unfair, but just consider how much richer your life has been because you have never touched yourself 'under the bridge.'
You may be taken twenty years before your time, but the Lord will Bless you with life everlasting, whereas the the fornicators and onanists will live a life long and full of carnal pleasures, but face an eternity of agony and suffering. So its swings and roundabouts really.
On a recent trip to Ghana, I contracted Necrotising Ebola. It is a particularly aggressive infection, and is working its way up my leg. The Doctors say they can stop it with powerful antibiotics, but I believe that using medicines is interfering with Gods will, and I have decided to pray instead. How should I do it?
Conrad Trellis, Raith
Dr Williams replies
I agree that medicines are interfering with the Lords plan. If he had wanted us to use antibiotics, he would have made them grow on trees to be picked like apples. I recommend that you pray thee times a day after meals. But you must do it properly with your eyes shut. If you dont get any better in a few days, you may need to try more powerful prayor and shut your eyes even tighter.
Dear Doctor
I am a 56 year old, and have been diagnosed with prostate cancer, despite having been a chaste Church goer all my life. I read a recent report which stated that this cancer was less prevalent in men who masturbate regularly from an early age. It seems rather unfair that God should put people such as Cliff Richard and the Pope himself at risk, whilst the likes of Peter Stringfellow and Martin Clunes are rewarded with some measure of protection from this disease.
Harold Steptoe, Pately Bridge
DR Williams Replies
Yes, on the face of it, it may seem unfair, but just consider how much richer your life has been because you have never touched yourself 'under the bridge.'
You may be taken twenty years before your time, but the Lord will Bless you with life everlasting, whereas the the fornicators and onanists will live a life long and full of carnal pleasures, but face an eternity of agony and suffering. So its swings and roundabouts really.
Tuesday, 8 September 2009
POETIC 'RHYME' WAVE
Angry campaigners are threatening legal action against high street retailers if they refuse to withdraw the latest violent computer game to hit the shelves - Chart topping Playstation smash 'Grand Theft Laureate.'
In the game set in the late 1950's, players take control of vengeful poet laureate, the late Sir John Betjeman, stealing Humber Alpine motor cars and slaughtering innocent bystanders with stout sticks, in a shocking mixture of bloody mayhem and whimsical poetry about changing trends in Post-war British architecture.
Since its release last week, the rhythmic, carnage heavy Playstation 3 hit, has become an obsession for children as young as five, despite its 18 certificate rating.
The object of the game is for the Betjeman character to murder his way around the Home Counties, looking for someone who will draw him a quiet pint of Real Ale, and settle it in an eddying lake of foam on the Oak trestle table of an Ivy wrapped Inn...and then murder them.
Oliff Crackerbarrel, head of Killjoy pressure group 'aSaferUK,' told reporters who weren't really listening to him: "This game is completely disgusting and morally repugnant on every conceivable level."
"I haven't managed to complete level 7 of 'Grand Theft Laureate' so far," he admitted, "but the subject matter is totally inappropriate. If I'm not having to suffocate a prostitute with a left over cream bun, then I'm being forced to fly a helicopter into the belfry of a picturesque English Village Church."
"Kids who are exposed to this level of sustained debauchery and elegiac pining for the lost soul of England will unquestionably be scarred for life."
The company responsible for the making of the game, was unavailable for comment, as their senior management were too busy pissing themselves over the acres of free publicity they had received as a result of the pompous protests.
Despite the manufacturers' flippancy, the games critics insist damage is still being done. Last week a twelve year old child was detained at a school in Blackburn following the attempted stabbing of one of his classmates.
Witnesses say that the boy, John Dibble, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was speaking in four line stanzas at the time, and wildly trying to rhyme 'balustrade' with 'Orange Lucozade.'
In the game set in the late 1950's, players take control of vengeful poet laureate, the late Sir John Betjeman, stealing Humber Alpine motor cars and slaughtering innocent bystanders with stout sticks, in a shocking mixture of bloody mayhem and whimsical poetry about changing trends in Post-war British architecture.
Since its release last week, the rhythmic, carnage heavy Playstation 3 hit, has become an obsession for children as young as five, despite its 18 certificate rating.
The object of the game is for the Betjeman character to murder his way around the Home Counties, looking for someone who will draw him a quiet pint of Real Ale, and settle it in an eddying lake of foam on the Oak trestle table of an Ivy wrapped Inn...and then murder them.
Oliff Crackerbarrel, head of Killjoy pressure group 'aSaferUK,' told reporters who weren't really listening to him: "This game is completely disgusting and morally repugnant on every conceivable level."
"I haven't managed to complete level 7 of 'Grand Theft Laureate' so far," he admitted, "but the subject matter is totally inappropriate. If I'm not having to suffocate a prostitute with a left over cream bun, then I'm being forced to fly a helicopter into the belfry of a picturesque English Village Church."
"Kids who are exposed to this level of sustained debauchery and elegiac pining for the lost soul of England will unquestionably be scarred for life."
The company responsible for the making of the game, was unavailable for comment, as their senior management were too busy pissing themselves over the acres of free publicity they had received as a result of the pompous protests.
Despite the manufacturers' flippancy, the games critics insist damage is still being done. Last week a twelve year old child was detained at a school in Blackburn following the attempted stabbing of one of his classmates.
Witnesses say that the boy, John Dibble, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was speaking in four line stanzas at the time, and wildly trying to rhyme 'balustrade' with 'Orange Lucozade.'
Monday, 7 September 2009
THE McNAUGHTY BROTHERS
Bexhill on sea, East Sussex...A quiet respectable seaside town. But during the mid 1960's this was the home to three brothers whose legacy of violence and murder still haunts the residents of the sleepy resort. This is the story of the McNaughty Brothers.
Keith McNaughty was the eldest of the three brothers. In 1963 he realised his lifelong ambition an opened his own butchers shop. Acting against advice from just about everyone, Kieth offered his two younger brothers, Des and Denzil, jobs as shop assistants in his new business.
"Kieth was a great big bloke who worked in a butchers, So everybody called him 'Meat' ..He was a really nice bloke...really, when you got him on his own...but them twins..Oooo!" recalls family friend Wesley 'Basher' Sniper.
McNaughty Quality meats opened for business in May 1963. Kieth had high hopes of founding a successful family enterprise, but within hours of opening Des and Denzil had attacked their first customer. This was only the beginning.....
"Them twins weren't right in the bleedin 'ead..ev'rytime you went in that shop they'd swear at you...Terrible language it was...Just a stream of bleedin abuse...they'd hurl chicken giblets at you...bits of rotten liver, Bacon fat...they beat me up four times, me 'usband said well why don't you shop somewhere else?...but you don't think of these things at the time do ya?" said Ivy 'Customer' Rilley.
"Now Kieth used to pretend it never 'appened...to protect the twins I s'pose....I was in the shop this one time an' Denzil 'ad me down on the floor in a headlock 'an Des was whacking me in the face with this bloody great black puddin'.....'An I could see Kieth lookin' out the shop window pretendin' to wave to someone he knew..." said fat customer Dennis 'Cholesterol' Pike.
"I was working as the family Barrister at the time the Government passed the 'Retail Assault Act' which was designed to protect customers from being attacked by violent shopkeepers...So I visited the shop and said "Look here, calm down a bit or you'll be for it...They hit me over the head with a leg of Mutton and poured Beef dripping into my underpants."...Alan Porrington-Smythe QC.
Almost every week the twins were being charged with various offences ranging from Assault with a Pork Chop or causing Affray with a Liver. The charges rarely stuck....
"The Police? Ha Do me a Favour!...they was as scared of 'em as we all were!....You did anyfing to upset 'em brothers one day, and you knew the next day there'd be a load of fly infested offal through you letterbox....I'm sorry I'm going to have to stop..sniff." said another customer Ron 'Da Do Ron Ron Ron' Willis.
However in June 1963 the twins' luck changed when Elsbeth Shingle visited the shop to buy some Brisket....To Be Continued..
Keith McNaughty was the eldest of the three brothers. In 1963 he realised his lifelong ambition an opened his own butchers shop. Acting against advice from just about everyone, Kieth offered his two younger brothers, Des and Denzil, jobs as shop assistants in his new business.
"Kieth was a great big bloke who worked in a butchers, So everybody called him 'Meat' ..He was a really nice bloke...really, when you got him on his own...but them twins..Oooo!" recalls family friend Wesley 'Basher' Sniper.
McNaughty Quality meats opened for business in May 1963. Kieth had high hopes of founding a successful family enterprise, but within hours of opening Des and Denzil had attacked their first customer. This was only the beginning.....
"Them twins weren't right in the bleedin 'ead..ev'rytime you went in that shop they'd swear at you...Terrible language it was...Just a stream of bleedin abuse...they'd hurl chicken giblets at you...bits of rotten liver, Bacon fat...they beat me up four times, me 'usband said well why don't you shop somewhere else?...but you don't think of these things at the time do ya?" said Ivy 'Customer' Rilley.
"Now Kieth used to pretend it never 'appened...to protect the twins I s'pose....I was in the shop this one time an' Denzil 'ad me down on the floor in a headlock 'an Des was whacking me in the face with this bloody great black puddin'.....'An I could see Kieth lookin' out the shop window pretendin' to wave to someone he knew..." said fat customer Dennis 'Cholesterol' Pike.
"I was working as the family Barrister at the time the Government passed the 'Retail Assault Act' which was designed to protect customers from being attacked by violent shopkeepers...So I visited the shop and said "Look here, calm down a bit or you'll be for it...They hit me over the head with a leg of Mutton and poured Beef dripping into my underpants."...Alan Porrington-Smythe QC.
Almost every week the twins were being charged with various offences ranging from Assault with a Pork Chop or causing Affray with a Liver. The charges rarely stuck....
"The Police? Ha Do me a Favour!...they was as scared of 'em as we all were!....You did anyfing to upset 'em brothers one day, and you knew the next day there'd be a load of fly infested offal through you letterbox....I'm sorry I'm going to have to stop..sniff." said another customer Ron 'Da Do Ron Ron Ron' Willis.
However in June 1963 the twins' luck changed when Elsbeth Shingle visited the shop to buy some Brisket....To Be Continued..
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