At Christmas time the average person will consume ten times their own body weight in nuts,tangerines,dates and chocolate.
The average family will produce 47 tonnes of waste, empty bottles, nutshells, wrapping paper..which if they don't tip their bin-men will eventually spill into their neighbours back yard.
The largest Christmas Turkey ever recorded, was a 46 stone monster, over 10 feet tall, served up at the Lord Mayor's Christmas Dinner at Arbroath Town Hall in 1926.
When the oven door was opened after 16 hours cooking, to put the potatoes in, the giant beast came alive, leapt out of the oven and killed two kitchen staff. The badly scorched bird was eventually wrestled back into the roasting tin by members of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards Pipe Band, who had been playing nearby. The bird took six weeks to cook, and to this day cold Turkey sandwiches carved from the beasts huge carcass are served every lunchtime in the Lord Mayors Chamber.
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
BALLS
shiney balls have toppled tinsel from the top of the Christmas tree.
A report out sometime today shows that balls are now Britain's most popular Christmas tree decoration, with former favourite tinsel tumbling to tenth in the popularity charts.
Sales of Tinsel have plummeted as ecology conscious tree owners look for environmentally friendly alternatives to the plastic based strings of glittering foil.
This Christmas, British trees will boast an average of 23 shiney balls each, with less than a metre of tinsel adorning the branches. Compared with the 1973 figure of 12 shiney balls and 6 metres of tinsel.
Glasgow, once named the 'Tinsel town of the North' due to the number of Tinsel factories concentrated in the area, now has an unemployment rate of 98%. Two hundred workers at the one remaining tinsel factory were sent home, as orders for tinsel ran out.
A report out sometime today shows that balls are now Britain's most popular Christmas tree decoration, with former favourite tinsel tumbling to tenth in the popularity charts.
Sales of Tinsel have plummeted as ecology conscious tree owners look for environmentally friendly alternatives to the plastic based strings of glittering foil.
This Christmas, British trees will boast an average of 23 shiney balls each, with less than a metre of tinsel adorning the branches. Compared with the 1973 figure of 12 shiney balls and 6 metres of tinsel.
Glasgow, once named the 'Tinsel town of the North' due to the number of Tinsel factories concentrated in the area, now has an unemployment rate of 98%. Two hundred workers at the one remaining tinsel factory were sent home, as orders for tinsel ran out.
Monday, 2 November 2009
Rubber Pensioner Perishes
Agnes Moffatt, Britain's firs rubber pensioner, has died at the age of 83.
Agnes shot to fame in the mid 90's whe she became the first and only person in the Country to undergo Vulcanisation.
In a revolutionary new surgical procedure her skin was removed and replaced by a latex rubber outer shell.
Tragically the surgeons forgot to provide Ages with an arse hole and she has spent the last 15 years slowly inflating to an incredible size.
She exploded peacefully in her sleep in the early hours of Saturday morning..Witnesses commented "You could smell the blast 47 miles away."
Agnes shot to fame in the mid 90's whe she became the first and only person in the Country to undergo Vulcanisation.
In a revolutionary new surgical procedure her skin was removed and replaced by a latex rubber outer shell.
Tragically the surgeons forgot to provide Ages with an arse hole and she has spent the last 15 years slowly inflating to an incredible size.
She exploded peacefully in her sleep in the early hours of Saturday morning..Witnesses commented "You could smell the blast 47 miles away."
Thursday, 8 October 2009
INCREDIBLE BUT TRUE'ish
I have bee investigating the eating habits of the Great British monarchy.
King Terrence the Second, insisted that all of his meats be cooked very well done. When once, quite by accident, an incompetent butler served him with an uncooked slumbering Ferret, the Monarch went absolutely berserk. He stabbed Sidney Boggle, the then Arch Bishop of Fife, in the thigh with a rusty prong on his toasting fork. The poor Bishop died of blood poisoning, as did the King, but a few years later, and in a different way.
During the 13th Century, King Greg VIIXCII the Third, became convinced that many of his sworn enemies, were planning to poison his food. In a blind panic he hired fifty seven food tasters, then insisted that all of his meals be sampled by each of them in turn before he would touch a single morsel. Three weeks later he died of starvation.
In 1046 King Bod IV became Britain's first Vegetarian Monarch.
After his mother, Queen Bod III, choked on a Hog, the young boy King promptly banned the consumption of all meat based products throughout his Kingdom. This led to an unprecedented explosion in the live stock population.
Culminating in the great Cattle revolt of 1048, when a herd of hungry Frisians stormed the gates of Buckingham Palace and ate all the Royal grass.
King Terrence the Second, insisted that all of his meats be cooked very well done. When once, quite by accident, an incompetent butler served him with an uncooked slumbering Ferret, the Monarch went absolutely berserk. He stabbed Sidney Boggle, the then Arch Bishop of Fife, in the thigh with a rusty prong on his toasting fork. The poor Bishop died of blood poisoning, as did the King, but a few years later, and in a different way.
During the 13th Century, King Greg VIIXCII the Third, became convinced that many of his sworn enemies, were planning to poison his food. In a blind panic he hired fifty seven food tasters, then insisted that all of his meals be sampled by each of them in turn before he would touch a single morsel. Three weeks later he died of starvation.
In 1046 King Bod IV became Britain's first Vegetarian Monarch.
After his mother, Queen Bod III, choked on a Hog, the young boy King promptly banned the consumption of all meat based products throughout his Kingdom. This led to an unprecedented explosion in the live stock population.
Culminating in the great Cattle revolt of 1048, when a herd of hungry Frisians stormed the gates of Buckingham Palace and ate all the Royal grass.
Wednesday, 7 October 2009
WINDFALL OF ADDICTION
One in five youngsters in Britain today are hopelessly addicted to conkers, while a further 25% admit to regular nut dabbles.
Once an innocent pastime, the nut of the horse chestnut tree has recently gained itself a sinister reputation.
The abuse unraveled in the early 90's among doomed rural illiterates who, unable to afford good drugs and trapped in areas of such poverty that nothing was worth nicking, took to cooking and injecting whatever they could lay their grubby mitts on.
After trying everything from nettles to Badger shit it was finally found that the hard brown shell of the conker, grated, braised and jabbed created an effect described by users as: "A lot like being trapped in a cheap cartoon that's also a spin dryer running out of control."
Word flew quickly around the playgrounds of Britain and now,15 years later, the grim spectre of conkers are threatening to spiral straight off the cliff. One worried teacher, a spectacled, beard wielding freak who bears a disturbing resemblance to my old maths teacher, and what an arse he was, thinks the situation is already scuppered.
"Every day I cross the playground, picking on children I hate, it's the same old song. Dozens of youths openly jittering on the floor with needles hanging out of their arms, inner-thighs, buttocks and cheeks anywhere thats still soft basically."
One of he drawbacks to a conker high is it's fairly short duration. About twenty conkers, cut, will give the user a mild rush lasting between twenty and thirty seconds. To maintain the high, addicts will often inject four or five hundred times a day. Their poor bodies end up like Turtles.
"It's so frustrating! None of the conker junkies hand their homework in on time, which makes me look a twat. They should be expelled - but our hands are tied so long as the Government refuses to make conkers illegal."
I asked my local MP why, in the face of this damning survey, they still allow conkers to be grown and knocked down with sticks and rocks around the Country.
"Because your survey is a pack of lies. Conkers aren't drugs, and no children are addicted to them. In fact, its rubbish like this that makes it hard for us to address the real problem of real drugs, namely, the fact that loads of people use and enjoy them without ever going off the rails. That is the real evil at work. Innocent, recreational usage, we are sick and tired of people experiencing any form of pleasure in the comfort of their own home, if I had my way you'd all be lobotomized..." he continued ranting as colleagues dragged him away.
Meanwhile Sir Cliff Richard is thought to be crusading against the threat with an anticipated Christmas song, using rap language to 'reach' the kids!
Once an innocent pastime, the nut of the horse chestnut tree has recently gained itself a sinister reputation.
The abuse unraveled in the early 90's among doomed rural illiterates who, unable to afford good drugs and trapped in areas of such poverty that nothing was worth nicking, took to cooking and injecting whatever they could lay their grubby mitts on.
After trying everything from nettles to Badger shit it was finally found that the hard brown shell of the conker, grated, braised and jabbed created an effect described by users as: "A lot like being trapped in a cheap cartoon that's also a spin dryer running out of control."
Word flew quickly around the playgrounds of Britain and now,15 years later, the grim spectre of conkers are threatening to spiral straight off the cliff. One worried teacher, a spectacled, beard wielding freak who bears a disturbing resemblance to my old maths teacher, and what an arse he was, thinks the situation is already scuppered.
"Every day I cross the playground, picking on children I hate, it's the same old song. Dozens of youths openly jittering on the floor with needles hanging out of their arms, inner-thighs, buttocks and cheeks anywhere thats still soft basically."
One of he drawbacks to a conker high is it's fairly short duration. About twenty conkers, cut, will give the user a mild rush lasting between twenty and thirty seconds. To maintain the high, addicts will often inject four or five hundred times a day. Their poor bodies end up like Turtles.
"It's so frustrating! None of the conker junkies hand their homework in on time, which makes me look a twat. They should be expelled - but our hands are tied so long as the Government refuses to make conkers illegal."
I asked my local MP why, in the face of this damning survey, they still allow conkers to be grown and knocked down with sticks and rocks around the Country.
"Because your survey is a pack of lies. Conkers aren't drugs, and no children are addicted to them. In fact, its rubbish like this that makes it hard for us to address the real problem of real drugs, namely, the fact that loads of people use and enjoy them without ever going off the rails. That is the real evil at work. Innocent, recreational usage, we are sick and tired of people experiencing any form of pleasure in the comfort of their own home, if I had my way you'd all be lobotomized..." he continued ranting as colleagues dragged him away.
Meanwhile Sir Cliff Richard is thought to be crusading against the threat with an anticipated Christmas song, using rap language to 'reach' the kids!
Tuesday, 15 September 2009
NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE-OR IS THERE?
The bureaucratic imbeciles from Brussels have been at it again.
I have learned that plans are afoot for widespread changes to the British Proverb system, in an attempt to bring us in line with the rest of Europe.
My sources confirm that from January 2010 'A stitch in time' will no longer 'Save you nine' in fact, it could save you as little as 'Six' depending on the exchange rate at the time. Also, instead of 'silver', every cloud will have to make do with a 'stainless steel lining' and a 'Bird in the hand' will be practically worthless.
On the plus side we will be allowed a 'Small amount of smoke without fire' and you'll be able to teach an old dog up to three new tricks.
Euro MP Jean Foreigner told me, "Were merely trying to iron out a few anomalies in the system. Take France for instance. Unlike the British they require at least 'four apples a day to keep the Doctor away' Surely a benchmark figure of two apples throughout the European union is a much fairer system."
Not all proverbs will be affected however. 'One mans meat' will continue to be 'another mans poison', and the public will still be advised to look before they leap.
I have learned that plans are afoot for widespread changes to the British Proverb system, in an attempt to bring us in line with the rest of Europe.
My sources confirm that from January 2010 'A stitch in time' will no longer 'Save you nine' in fact, it could save you as little as 'Six' depending on the exchange rate at the time. Also, instead of 'silver', every cloud will have to make do with a 'stainless steel lining' and a 'Bird in the hand' will be practically worthless.
On the plus side we will be allowed a 'Small amount of smoke without fire' and you'll be able to teach an old dog up to three new tricks.
Euro MP Jean Foreigner told me, "Were merely trying to iron out a few anomalies in the system. Take France for instance. Unlike the British they require at least 'four apples a day to keep the Doctor away' Surely a benchmark figure of two apples throughout the European union is a much fairer system."
Not all proverbs will be affected however. 'One mans meat' will continue to be 'another mans poison', and the public will still be advised to look before they leap.
INCREDIBLE BUT TRUE
A 500lb Woman from Illinois was examined in Hospital. During the examination, an Asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under on of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva!
A drunk staggered in to a hospital in Pennsylvania, complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said they would come out half way, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea!
A World war 2 veteran came into a London Clinic with a haemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the poor mans anus, and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an old artillery shell. On this occasion the shell had got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell was still live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead box around the mans anus to diffuse the shell before it could be removed.
A 20 year old man came into casualty with a stoney mass in his rectum.
He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with a concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the concrete mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete mix had then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the mans rectum was removed, along with a stray ping pong ball!
A drunk staggered in to a hospital in Pennsylvania, complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said they would come out half way, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea!
A World war 2 veteran came into a London Clinic with a haemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the poor mans anus, and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an old artillery shell. On this occasion the shell had got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell was still live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead box around the mans anus to diffuse the shell before it could be removed.
A 20 year old man came into casualty with a stoney mass in his rectum.
He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with a concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the concrete mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete mix had then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the mans rectum was removed, along with a stray ping pong ball!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)