I would like to introduce you lucky lot to My latest line in defective goods as advertised on QVC...
1. The Twat Hat!..Yes look like a double twat in my 2 in 1 TWAT HAT!
Why waste money on two separate shite hats, when you can achieve the same effect with my stunning all-in-one unit.
BALACLAVA MODE.. Just Oozes that 'Special Needs' quality, complete with protruding visor section adding that extra touch of daftness.
DROOPY SIDE EAR WARMER MODE.. Say no more.
2. My Rodent Skinned Uppers Loafers!..These are the cheapest pair of loafers you will ever see in your life!..They are incredibly light too, and do you know why they are so light..Neither do I..
Although it could be something to do with the fact that I only use incredibly cheap materials. Thats also why they may look a little weird until you get used to them. We just couldn't seem to bend them into the right shape..The soles are really smart though, very trendy..Just try not to walk around too much though, as they're prone to exploding..But don't let that put you off ..Just look at the price...LOOK AT THE DAMN PRICE!
3. Let the nightmare begin with my HUNGRY TIMBER WOLVES BED SPREAD.
Ever fancied Lying flat on your back with a pack of hungry wolves on top of you?..Well fancy no more...Its every young childs worst dream... and now you can bring their nightmares vividly to life with my Timber Wolf bedspread and matching pillow case set..Your kids wont be wetting their beds anymore...They'll be too busy shitting!
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
VOTE RIDDLEMAN
YES..A VOTE FOR RIDDLEMAN MEANS:
10 SECONDS ADDED TO EVERY MINUTE. THATS AN EXTRA 4 FREE HOURS FOR EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE!
50p OFF FAGS!
MAINLAND BRITAIN TO BE RE-LOCATED NEAR THE BAHAMAS!
KENT TO BE DEMOLISHED AND REPLACED BY THE WORLDS LARGEST DRIVE THROUGH BROTHEL!
THE CONFISCATION OF RICHARD BRANSONS DRIVING LICENCE, FORCING HIM TO TRAVEL ON HIS OWN SHIT TRANSPORT!
SIMON COWELL TO BE BOOTED UP THE ARSE 14 TIMES A DAY ON NATIONAL TV!
OH, AND A FREE PEN!
10 SECONDS ADDED TO EVERY MINUTE. THATS AN EXTRA 4 FREE HOURS FOR EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE!
50p OFF FAGS!
MAINLAND BRITAIN TO BE RE-LOCATED NEAR THE BAHAMAS!
KENT TO BE DEMOLISHED AND REPLACED BY THE WORLDS LARGEST DRIVE THROUGH BROTHEL!
THE CONFISCATION OF RICHARD BRANSONS DRIVING LICENCE, FORCING HIM TO TRAVEL ON HIS OWN SHIT TRANSPORT!
SIMON COWELL TO BE BOOTED UP THE ARSE 14 TIMES A DAY ON NATIONAL TV!
OH, AND A FREE PEN!
ARE YOU NEAR THE END?
"Its so nice to know that you won't end up being buried by the Council. On a Land-fill site..In a bin liner.
Now is the time to make sure that your Earthly remains aren't dealt with as over-sized roadkill by the relevant authorities.
The Riddle-Life Guaranteed over 50 Scheme is a special low cost insurance scheme for the soon to pop their cloggs, designed to help them get planted like civilised Human beings.
"In a proper hole too, all to your lonesome. Not a bull dozed in to a large pit dug out by a cretin on a JCB, just one of a great knobbly mound of tangled bodies. I cant end up like that, with soil in my Golden hair"
NO MEDICAL REQUIRED - so it doesn't matter if your about to die at any second!
No medical is required because, to be honest, the contracts are all loaded so comfortably in our favour that if you peg out too early for us to show a tidy profit, your bereaved relatives get next to fuck all..We win, obviously, but you think you win, which is a vital aspect of the service we provide.
"We think we win, but don't" Says happy but daft bereaved relative, Gladys Smith of Dorset.
Gladys doesn't like the thought of council necrophiliacs having access to her unprotected openings..DO YOU?...Please consider the plan..
DON'T FORGET, MANY NECROPHILIACS WORK FOR THE COUNCIL.
Stay alive for ten years and youll get enough for a plot; another decade and a hearse becomes affordable; make it through thirty and you get the works - tombstone, wreath and a big pile of tuna sandwiches...Oh yes and the clock, the free bloody clock...Lets not forget the very expensive looking bloody clock.
"The Clock is nice and I stare at it as I comb my lovely matted hair" says Gladys of Dorset.
We'll even send you the clock early, which looks costly but is worth only a few pence, so you can watch your final seconds tick away...
Now is the time to make sure that your Earthly remains aren't dealt with as over-sized roadkill by the relevant authorities.
The Riddle-Life Guaranteed over 50 Scheme is a special low cost insurance scheme for the soon to pop their cloggs, designed to help them get planted like civilised Human beings.
"In a proper hole too, all to your lonesome. Not a bull dozed in to a large pit dug out by a cretin on a JCB, just one of a great knobbly mound of tangled bodies. I cant end up like that, with soil in my Golden hair"
NO MEDICAL REQUIRED - so it doesn't matter if your about to die at any second!
No medical is required because, to be honest, the contracts are all loaded so comfortably in our favour that if you peg out too early for us to show a tidy profit, your bereaved relatives get next to fuck all..We win, obviously, but you think you win, which is a vital aspect of the service we provide.
"We think we win, but don't" Says happy but daft bereaved relative, Gladys Smith of Dorset.
Gladys doesn't like the thought of council necrophiliacs having access to her unprotected openings..DO YOU?...Please consider the plan..
DON'T FORGET, MANY NECROPHILIACS WORK FOR THE COUNCIL.
Stay alive for ten years and youll get enough for a plot; another decade and a hearse becomes affordable; make it through thirty and you get the works - tombstone, wreath and a big pile of tuna sandwiches...Oh yes and the clock, the free bloody clock...Lets not forget the very expensive looking bloody clock.
"The Clock is nice and I stare at it as I comb my lovely matted hair" says Gladys of Dorset.
We'll even send you the clock early, which looks costly but is worth only a few pence, so you can watch your final seconds tick away...
Wednesday, 17 March 2010
RIDDLEMAN ON TV
Following intense media pressure I have reluctantly agreed to present two new Prime Time TV shows.
The format of the first show invites guests to talk over dilemmas, such as whether to marry an abusive alcoholic, or confess to how they went out, got completely shit-faced and woke up pregnant.
I then intervene with my most annoying of voices and offer patronising and obvious advice, which my guests (whose Coffee I have spiked with a strong sedative prior to them coming on stage) greet with slack-jawed subjugation.
To be filled on location in the Bahamas.
More details soon..
On my second show the tables are turned on celebrity interior designers, when they return from their tri-annual holiday to find that I along with past recipients of their hideous home make-overs have redecorated their houses with obnoxiously coloured paint and cheap fabrics.
The opening show has the embittered Dawson family from Crewe install a highly flammable kitchen entirely constructed from laminated shirt collars in Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen's home.
The format of the first show invites guests to talk over dilemmas, such as whether to marry an abusive alcoholic, or confess to how they went out, got completely shit-faced and woke up pregnant.
I then intervene with my most annoying of voices and offer patronising and obvious advice, which my guests (whose Coffee I have spiked with a strong sedative prior to them coming on stage) greet with slack-jawed subjugation.
To be filled on location in the Bahamas.
More details soon..
On my second show the tables are turned on celebrity interior designers, when they return from their tri-annual holiday to find that I along with past recipients of their hideous home make-overs have redecorated their houses with obnoxiously coloured paint and cheap fabrics.
The opening show has the embittered Dawson family from Crewe install a highly flammable kitchen entirely constructed from laminated shirt collars in Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen's home.
Lip Balm Conspiracy
When you search the internet these days, you realise that some people seem to have far too much time on their hands.
Conspiracy theorists seem to have it in for many commercial products.
Following exhaustive searching, with nights of unfaltering web browsing, I have found Overwhelming evidence indicating that Lip Balm manufacturers are lacing their products with addictive substances, and the same Lip Balm companies are using the internet to refute these claims.
Lip Balms are habit forming and addictive, some of which contain ground up fibreglass and battery acid, acting as a pain reliever and a drying agent.
Most worrying are my findings relating to 'Chapstick' which I have found to probably contain Factor eight sunscreen, caustic soda and Sheeps wool.
Conspiracy theorists seem to have it in for many commercial products.
Following exhaustive searching, with nights of unfaltering web browsing, I have found Overwhelming evidence indicating that Lip Balm manufacturers are lacing their products with addictive substances, and the same Lip Balm companies are using the internet to refute these claims.
Lip Balms are habit forming and addictive, some of which contain ground up fibreglass and battery acid, acting as a pain reliever and a drying agent.
Most worrying are my findings relating to 'Chapstick' which I have found to probably contain Factor eight sunscreen, caustic soda and Sheeps wool.
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
Christmas Crazy but True(ish)
At Christmas time the average person will consume ten times their own body weight in nuts,tangerines,dates and chocolate.
The average family will produce 47 tonnes of waste, empty bottles, nutshells, wrapping paper..which if they don't tip their bin-men will eventually spill into their neighbours back yard.
The largest Christmas Turkey ever recorded, was a 46 stone monster, over 10 feet tall, served up at the Lord Mayor's Christmas Dinner at Arbroath Town Hall in 1926.
When the oven door was opened after 16 hours cooking, to put the potatoes in, the giant beast came alive, leapt out of the oven and killed two kitchen staff. The badly scorched bird was eventually wrestled back into the roasting tin by members of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards Pipe Band, who had been playing nearby. The bird took six weeks to cook, and to this day cold Turkey sandwiches carved from the beasts huge carcass are served every lunchtime in the Lord Mayors Chamber.
The average family will produce 47 tonnes of waste, empty bottles, nutshells, wrapping paper..which if they don't tip their bin-men will eventually spill into their neighbours back yard.
The largest Christmas Turkey ever recorded, was a 46 stone monster, over 10 feet tall, served up at the Lord Mayor's Christmas Dinner at Arbroath Town Hall in 1926.
When the oven door was opened after 16 hours cooking, to put the potatoes in, the giant beast came alive, leapt out of the oven and killed two kitchen staff. The badly scorched bird was eventually wrestled back into the roasting tin by members of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards Pipe Band, who had been playing nearby. The bird took six weeks to cook, and to this day cold Turkey sandwiches carved from the beasts huge carcass are served every lunchtime in the Lord Mayors Chamber.
BALLS
shiney balls have toppled tinsel from the top of the Christmas tree.
A report out sometime today shows that balls are now Britain's most popular Christmas tree decoration, with former favourite tinsel tumbling to tenth in the popularity charts.
Sales of Tinsel have plummeted as ecology conscious tree owners look for environmentally friendly alternatives to the plastic based strings of glittering foil.
This Christmas, British trees will boast an average of 23 shiney balls each, with less than a metre of tinsel adorning the branches. Compared with the 1973 figure of 12 shiney balls and 6 metres of tinsel.
Glasgow, once named the 'Tinsel town of the North' due to the number of Tinsel factories concentrated in the area, now has an unemployment rate of 98%. Two hundred workers at the one remaining tinsel factory were sent home, as orders for tinsel ran out.
A report out sometime today shows that balls are now Britain's most popular Christmas tree decoration, with former favourite tinsel tumbling to tenth in the popularity charts.
Sales of Tinsel have plummeted as ecology conscious tree owners look for environmentally friendly alternatives to the plastic based strings of glittering foil.
This Christmas, British trees will boast an average of 23 shiney balls each, with less than a metre of tinsel adorning the branches. Compared with the 1973 figure of 12 shiney balls and 6 metres of tinsel.
Glasgow, once named the 'Tinsel town of the North' due to the number of Tinsel factories concentrated in the area, now has an unemployment rate of 98%. Two hundred workers at the one remaining tinsel factory were sent home, as orders for tinsel ran out.
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